I have always been susceptible to falling in love. With my class teachers. Every year I’d always feel bad for falling in love with a new teacher! I’d try to love my previous teacher as well as the current one but it never seemed to work out. That was my pattern yearly and this year was no different. I fell head over heels for my new Apa as per expected. I’d very soon find out that this year would definitely be something unsettlingly and heart wrenchingly contrasting to what I was used to!
Every year I’d love my form teacher to the max and I’d always feel the love was somehow reciprocated. I was always made to feel special. I’d count the special smiles received from my beloved Apa’s and AlHamdulillah, everything was just peachy!
Not this year. This year taught me a huge lesson for which I am eternally grateful to Allah for.
As usual, I would try and be on my best behaviour especially since I loved my Apa so so much! But… Nothing.
Day one was.. Normal. My new Apa didn’t give me a special smile or single me out or anything! Okay.. I let it slide.. Perhaps the next day..
The next day came and the next day went. Still nothing. I was starting to get slightly worried at this point. But I persevered!
The week passed. So did the next. I was treated exactly as I had been since day one. My classmates didn’t seem to notice anything. They too, loved our new Apa, but… They didn’t make a big deal about it!
I confided in my mum about my very serious issue and mum brushed it off lightly saying, InshaAllah, as Apa gets to know me, she will like me! InshaAllah..
Days turned into weeks and weeks into months. Still nothing besides the fact that my heart was about to burst. I still loved my Apa dearly and prayed that she would one day love me too.
My sisters and friends would talk about how Apa smiled at them or Apa made a dua for them and I’d smile and say MashaAllah… And come home and crrryyy!
I had nobody to cry to besides Allah. After all, no one would understand what I was going through as it seemed so silly and petty and really, stupid.
So I cried to Allah.
The more I cried to Allah, the more Allah made me realize something.
No matter what, no matter how much I love anyone, it was always going to result in heartbreak if not for the sake of Allah.
I could love someone so passionately but would still feel insecure if I didn’t feel loved back.
That’s the nature of loving anything of the world.
I realized just how wrong this was. Me loving people so so much when really, it was for what? A smile? A compliment? Recognition? I felt sick to my stomach. How could I be so u gratefully horrendous? Allah was and always will be there all along and I totally took that for granted and only cried to Allah when his creation didn’t give me any recognition! How I learned this beautiful lesson is only through the sheer mercy of My Allah on His sinful slave.
With Allah, you can love and love and love and know that your love is being reciprocated by the 1000x fold!
Then, signs upon signs, i read Surah Nisaa, a special chapter in the Quran dedicated to Women and I came across a verse that answered all my questions and healed my broken heart.
“و كفي بالله وليا “..
“And Allah is sufficient as a protecting friend “.
SubhanAllah. This verse brings sooo much solace to my heart!
I felt so guilty. All along I’ve been looking past the Creator of Love! As human beings we have been created to Love! That’s part of our genetic make up. Falling in love with ANYTHING other than the Creator of Love, other than the Only One who can love us even more than we can ever imagine, loving for other than His sake will only end in heartbreak.
But don’t fear the heartbreak. For surely, in the heartbreak, we often find the Curer of Heartbreak. The only permanent cure. And this cure is only found with the the Creator of Love itself.
Turn to Allah. Repent for living a life filled with unconscious ingratitude. You will find the One Most Loving, the Most Forgiving and the Most Accepting, Most Appreciative.
AlHamdulillah, I needed to go through this little patch to learn something so profound. I am so grateful and humbled that Allah showed me before it was too late. And late is better than never AlHamdulillah!
Even now, sometimes when I feel a little despondent, I always make a silent duah to Allah to help me and to turn my heart to Him and SubhanAllah it works. Every time.
“We have to keep breaking our hearts until it opens.” -Rumi
After thinking about this for some time, I realized that every single problem we go through is a blessing. We learn so much from it and Allah only tests us so we can turn to Him.. And how can we not? All the answers lies with Allah.
I can’t help but marvel at the amount of Love Allah showers upon us.
We will never be able to enumerate any of Allah’s blessings.